Come To Think Of It...Bud Selig Declares Blacks & Hispanics Never Existed
by Bob Warja (Senior Writer) February 15, 2009
In a startling directive, MLB commissioner Bud Selig has declared that major league baseball will erase the records from all players of color, according to a recent report.
The controversial move by Selig was believed to be initiated by the commish’s desire to restore Babe Ruth as the Home Run King, now that Aaron has rejected the idea.
Disgusted by the “steroid era”, Selig wants all records from this era destroyed.
And he wants to go one step further. Since he believes that blacks brought in drugs and Hispanics brought in steroids from Mexico, he wants all records from non- Caucasian players wiped from the record books.
“Look, do you think it’s a coincidence that drugs like amphetamines and cocaine weren’t used in baseball until the black player came along?”, asked Selig.
“And, is it simply a coincidence that steroids can be purchased legally in Mexico? Why are the vast majority of minor league players who are caught of Hispanic origin?”
“Well I, for one, don’t believe in coincidences.”
Selig said he may pursue a career in politics after his baseball days so he can fix societal problems as well. "For one, women voting should be eliminated. How many recessions have we had since women have been allowed to vote? How many scandals have there been? It’s really pretty obvious to me what the root cause is, said Selig."
As to the confusion surrounding his other recent decision to restore Hank Aaron as the Home Run King, Selig was flabbergasted at the confusion. “Why, was Henry black or something”? Selig asked.
Other ideas endorsed by Selig include setting the date back to the 1950s, a time that Selig recalls “as the best economic times for our country.” He also is a proud supporter of the Confederacy, of women being barefoot and pregnant, and outlawing the automobile, with a return to horse carriages as the main mode of transportation.
“We just need a return to time tested old fashioned values in this country, said Selig. For example, what’s with electricity, why do we need that? What was wrong with a candle? Geez, these kids today are spoiled.”
In a related note, the Commish will take all games off of television, stating that “radio is the future marketing tool for baseball.” He also favors a return to wool uniforms, baggy pants, and cigarette advertising on players shirts.
“With the crazy way things are changing, chuckled Selig, next thing you know they’ll say smoking is bad for you.”
When asked if all this meant that his massive $17M salary should be reduced, Selig started stammering and sheepishly replied, Well…hey now, let’s not go so fast. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.”