Top Ten reasons Lopez Tonight was cancelled

TOP Ten reasons Lopez Tonight has been cancelled

By Al Carlos

www.LatinoLA.com

10. Conan had a back door deal for his company to produce the 12 midnight show should Lopez fail.

9. Eric Estrada is now the head of TBS.

8. Lopez was too Hispanically hip for the room.

7. Unlike Conan or Fallon, George’s audience had to get up early for Work the next morning.

6. “Run, Jump or Shuffle, it’s all the same when you do it for the man” -Tommy Smith 1968

5. George knew the minute they bumped him back to 12 it was a set up.

4. Too much Cochicnadas…

3. TBS realized that Conan indeed has a bigger head than George.

2. They are thinking about a late night caveman show to takes his place- Gacho…

1. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Top ten ways Tower of Power is getting ready for County Fair gigs

TOP Ten ways Tower of Power is getting ready for County Fair gigs
By Al Carlos
www.Horndrivenradio.com

10.The pig races is not what you think, if you are from Oakland.

9. Eating fried baloney in order to develop a corn dog tolerance.

8. Pat Rains is text messaging bearded lady so there are no conflicting dates.

7. Work on super secret 5 Alarm Oakland Chili recipes, guaranteed to make you move a colon, to enter into competition.

6. Remember, Carnival rides are not Ex Girlfriends.

5. Sensitivity training for newer players who may fear Carney's.

4. New contracts without a “cash or cattle” provision as payment.

3. Remembering that 4 H doesn’t mean; Ho’s, Harleys, Harlots, and Herbs.

2. Remind Tom there is a $10,000 putting contest at the Alameda Fair.

1. Procuring Industrial strength bald head sun block lotion.

TOP Ten things Arnold's Latina baby Mama may be thinking...

By Al Carlos

www.LatinoLA.com

10. Now she knows how the State of California feels.

9. That’s what she got for being the only Latina that voted for him.

8. He said, I’ll be baaack!

7. He offered a Republican level severance package.

6. Convinced her that Austrians need anchor Babies too.

5. The ex-husband got suspicious when the kid threw a Harley Across the yard.

4. When he said he was Mr. Olympia, She thought he invented the beer.

3. He convinced her she was “The Last Action Hispanic”.

2. Not a Girlie man that’s for sure.

1. Since his Son is half Latino he will be qualified to be California Gubernator.

Top Ten signs your dentist used to be a Cholo...

TOP 10 Signs Your Dentist Used to be a Cholo

By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

 

10. For anesthesia, a Homeboy jumps out the closet, knocks you out while you are counting backwards.

9. Every time you tell him “It hurts!”, he slaps you in back of the head and calls you a punk.

8. Also does tattoos, piercings, and fade haircuts.

7. Chair is on hydraulics; it goes up, back, side to side...

6. When you ask, "Why a root canal?", tells you he needs new 24 inch rims for his ranfla.

5. Everyone leaves with gold bicuspids, no matter what.

4. Primers your face, bondos your fillings.

3. While he is working on your mouth, he yells at you, “Stop smiling at me like you know me fool!”.

2. Wears a XXX flannel shirt buttoned to the top over his surgical gown pajamas.

1. His receptionist does nails and is the gum cracking champion of the world.

Top 10 Signs you should no longer be a parade Samba dancer...

As Samba dancing and competition greet the Spring...

By Al Carlos Hernandez, www.LatinoLA.com

Publisher's Note: Dr. Al Carlos Hernandez is a regular contributor to Vida de Oro and is Contributing Editor for Latino L.A.

10. During a parade, you shook your hips too hard and launched a Smart Car into a Starbucks.

9. Only way to slap your conga for six hours is to paint the face of ex lover on it.

8. You accidently stepped on a cat’s tail and killed it.

7. Your tall feathered headdress includes GPS.

6. Your bikini top broke loose and you knocked yourself out.

5. People applaud your huge papier-mâché comic head, but you're not wearing one.

4. You dressed up like Oakland Raider fan and scared the heck OUT of the Voodoo dudes.

3. Your dancing shoes broke; A float ran over your maracas.

2. You painted yourself red and accidentally samba your way into blue gang turf.

1. Every block, your hip gets stuck, and they have to taser you to keep going. 

TOP Ten Signs Your Prima will get cut from American Idol

By Al Carlos, Latino LA

10.She sang a "La Lupe" tune in English, with a Black-scent.

9. Told Steve Tyler, He is the Dude that looks like a lady.
8. Walked out with an accordion and they tackled her.

7. Once she sang "Volver", they knew she wouldn't.

6. Told Randy, "The only 'Dogg' in here is your wifey".

5. Told J Lo, her man looks like Skeletor.

4. Wore a Queincera dress and did Pit Bull freestyle.

3. Stopped in the middle of a tune to answer cell phone and fight with case worker. 


2. Called Ryan Seacrest "Ellen DeGeneres".

1. Refused to sing. Didn't trust anybody to hold her purse.

Top Ten Barrio post holiday workouts

TOP Ten Barrio, post holiday workouts

By Al Carlos

www.LatinoLA.com

10.Credit card juggling.

9. Chasing kids through malls wearing slippery church shoes.

8. Running along side of a city bus with fat lips caught in the door.

7. Shopping cart pushing, returning a big screen, through Wino obstacle course.

6. Forced In- Law eviction off of the sofa, wrestling.

5. Group House slipper aluminum can crushing.

4. Going back to the (dread-mill) work.

3. Getting ICE to chase "The Documented" down the block, while "The Undocumented" get away.

2. Deciding to lose 276 pounds by divorcing Husband/Wife.

1. By walking 5 miles a day, Republicans hope you could be in Canada or Mexico by April.

Top Ten Reasons Santa wants to avoid Oakland, CA

TOP Ten Reasons Santa Wants to Avoid Oakland

Way to close to Alameda and Emeryville

By Al Carlos Hernandez, Contributing Editor, LatinoLA
Published on LatinoLA: December 16, 2010

10. He always gets sleigh-jacked and they spray paint his rig silver and black.

9. The naughty outnumber the nice 757,000 to 1.

8. The Hell's Angels motorcycle club thinks he is one of theirs, and get him wasted in the clubhouse on Foothill Blvd.

7. Those who have chimneys can afford to buy their own presents.

6. Every time he parks on a roof he accidentally runs over someone hiding from OPD.

5. Anyone who wears that much red is considered gang affiliated.

4. The pit bulls find the reindeer attractive and attempt to date them.

3. Every time he yells "Ho, Ho, Ho" he gets sued for sexual harassment.

2. Santa don't want no Baby Mama, drama...

1. Warrants.

Top Ten things a barrio turkey is thinking

TOP Ten things a Barrio Turkey is thinking

By Al Carlos

10.Sabes Que, I'll just front like I'm a Shicken...

9. Fool stupid enough to eat me will be hung over (Crudo) for a week.

8. Given my background, I'm qualified to run for local office.

7. The Latin Grammys were the bomb.

6. Mi Vieja is the Hen, I'm a Tomas, Y Que?

5. I wonder which end they light, when they smoke a turkey?

4. Yeah, I’m a Turkey, just like Tu Mama; Su bald headed Girlfriend and the Chancho that did your hair.

3. Hit me with that Pinata stick, and I’m going to bite your lip.

2. I heard Eva is single again, I'm going to Tweet the heck out of her now.

1. Actually, it was The Aztecs who domesticated The Turkey, and look what happened to them.

Top Ten reasons Latin Grammy's need to be canceled

TOP Ten reasons Latin Grammy’s need to be canceled
By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

10. The real/legitimate Grammys has many Latin categories.

9. We know from politics, Separate is not equal.

8. Same Circus, different Clowns.

7. High Honor, or, hood ornament?

6. The GED of music award shows, laugh at it, not with it.

5. Advertisers are bigger buffoons then presenters.

4. English speakers win for Spanish songs, that can’t win a real Grammy.

3. Authentic Latino bands like Tierra, Malo, El Chicano are ignored.

2. The Latin Recording Academy, is more like "Police Academy".

1. It’s obvious that they are deporting the wrong foreign nationals.

Top Ten Reasons Latinos live longer than other Americans

TOP Ten reasons Latinos Live longer than other Americans
By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

10.We live longer but, we are sicker, we do this to irritate our Spouses.

9. We can't die, until we pay off credit cards by making the minimum payment.

8. We don't jump out of airplanes, windsurf, ski jump, or climb outside of buildings.

7. Our only use of a bungee cord is to hold stuff down in the pick up truck.

6. Because of surprise and random family visits we will never be bored to death.

5. Latino cuisine is the oldest in mankind, there would still be Aztecs, if Cortez didn't kill them.

4. We never abandon our elders to Old Folks homes, we honor them.

3. We never jog alone at night in the wilderness, thinking we have rights.

2. Latinos outlive whites by two-and-a-half years and blacks by more than seven years.

1. Out living them is one thing, out running them, is quite another thing.

Top Ten reasons Latinos don't see UFO's

TOP Ten reasons Latinos don’t see UFO’s

By Al Carlos

www.LatinoLA.com

10. If you spend your time looking up someone will steal your wallet.

9. The only real threatening flying object is a Chancla, (Slipper)

8. We find the word, “Alien”, pejorative and didactic. (Don’t hate PhD’s)

7. We have proof; anything shaped like a tortilla can only soar across a kitchen.

6. If we are alone on a deserted road in the middle of the night we have larger problems.

5. If they are not hiring baggage handlers, we are not interested.

4. We maintain a cultural "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy about anything embarrassing.

3. Too busy finding Religious icons on window shades and dinner entrées.

2. We invented Tequila, therefore a credibility problem when is comes to hallucinations.

1. ICE is more of a threat than ET

Top Ten Reasons why J Lo is good for American Idol

TOP Ten reasons it is good for J Lo to be on Idol

By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

10. We don't have to worry about her doing movies for a while.

9. Folks can be pitchy and she won't be able to tell.

 

8. She is just Jenny, who owns the block.

 

7. Only Latino who makes 12 million without playing for the Yankees.

 

6. Maybe the Vieja Malas on The View will get a clue and hire a Latina.

 

5. She makes Steven Tyler look less gayer than Ellen.

 

4. Able to teach Randy real Hip Hop terms other than Dogg.

 

3. Had to find a Diva bigger than Simon to keep the show going.

 

2. Ms. Lopez will finally be eligible for the prestigious Imagen Award.

 

1. She can say no to anyone from Arizona.

Top Ten ways Latinos celebrate Labor Day

TOP Ten ways Latinos celebrate Labor Day
By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

10.Happy to have a meaningless no future minimum wage job because Mexico sucks.

9. Wonder how Jerry Lewis still finds Tres Flores for his hair.

8. Intentionally going into Labor to have an anchor baby.

7. Moms take a day off of work, so they can cook and clean up for 14 people.

6. Go to Indian Casinos and get scalped by slot machines.

5. Sitting in the park waiting for youuuuuu...

4. Raider Nation tailgaters practice slapping each other for no apparent reason.

3. Local politicians come by and ruin Union picnics on purpose.

2. Justice Department Sues Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, big pachanga...

1. Stealing dishwasher, gardener, busboy, nanny, street orange and paleta sales jobs from Americans.

Top ten signs a gay Homeboy Chicano marriage won't work

TOP Ten signs a gay Homeboy Chicano marriage won't work
By Al Carlos Hernandez, LatinoLA

10. He comes from the North, he comes from the South.

9. Constant argument over who gets to grow the mustache.

8. Can no longer testify against each other in court.

7. Two Juan's don't make a right.

6. Pressured by tradition to give their Pit Bull a Quinceañera

5. Fathers of The Grooms would show up in full body armor.

4. Slap fights every season over who should get the Rose.

3. He loves Rap, He loves Oldies, they wear separate, yet matching iPods.

2. Relentless "Less filling, taste great" diatribe.

1. They both carry "Papers" for different reasons.

TOP Ten new Arizona state motto ideas

TOP Ten new Arizona State Motto ideas
By Al Carlos, www.LatinoLA.com

10. Where the brave run free and really fast.
9. Hijole! there is a BP sized leak in the fence.
8. Papers before people.
7. A Wonderful place, if you are the right race.
6. Mexico at first, Mexican once again.
5. Bring us your courageous and poor, we will exploit them, then deport them.
4. A huge disappointment to those who thought they snuck into California.
3. We came, we saw, we got carded.
2. Un Documented, Un Deterred.
1. God enriches, politics erode.